im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You ate ashes out of my bong
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