He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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