In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
