His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
