You're earring is so big in my mouth
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
