Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Hippo gnu deer
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
