I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
