My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I sprained my soul last night
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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