Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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