I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
