I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
