I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
cat food counts as protein by the way
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
