i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
