I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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