i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
