I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
