There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's get the cat blown out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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