Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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