i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
