On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
