ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You can't just leave with hair like that
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
