After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
