I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
