She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
