do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
