I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm getting married
To pizza
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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