What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
