I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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