I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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