I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
