I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
