I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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