I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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