Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm too high and old for this...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
