I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
there's paper in my vomit.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
