Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
