I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
