Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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