I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
