you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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