it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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