I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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