Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
