Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
