I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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