we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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