someone threw a dead crab at me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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