Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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