i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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