You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When did angry sex become our thing?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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