Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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