im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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