alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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