Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
