my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
