I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
