i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
