I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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