My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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