Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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