Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
