So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
