Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it because I queefed?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
